Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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