I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
