I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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