that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize