Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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