tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
