it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
