I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
