My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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