You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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