Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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