My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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