don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
