I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
