hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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