Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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