I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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