Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
