he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
