I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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