I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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