Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize