ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
