Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
