omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
