First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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