I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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