And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are the jesus of drinking
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
