just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize