Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
