I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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