everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
