I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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