I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
