You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
