I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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