I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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