the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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