Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
