I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
