I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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