the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
