Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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