I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
