I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
