he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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