I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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