Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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