I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
