It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
