Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
