Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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