ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
