my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize