I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
