he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We're too hungover to prance.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
