i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
