Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
this boner is exhausting
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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